I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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