Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
