Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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