I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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