i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I feel like abortions should bother me more
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
