Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
