I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize