I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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