My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
