After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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