i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
