I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
