So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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