peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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