Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize