my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
