Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
