Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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