OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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