Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
