I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
