The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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