dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
