Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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