Don't you send me to vm
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize