ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
