also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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