Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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