What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The air was thick with penises
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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