you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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