my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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