Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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