He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
