a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm like, not good at living.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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