I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize