i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
