My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
