I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
