Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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