Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize