So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
