im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
