just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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