Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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