I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
