Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
