Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
