So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
