i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
