I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it was like eating out sand paper
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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