Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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