I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
