thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
