why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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