I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize