just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
