On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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