my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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