HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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