saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
